These last few months I have cycled in and out of my binge/emotional eating patterns. While also struggling with dysfunctional digestion, which binge eating doesn’t help. Not gonna lie; processing this has been arduous and left me feeling more lonely than ever. Ironically, the loneliness stimulates me into more binge eating. Just a perpetual cycle of anxiety, pain, and discomfort.
I’ve gained 15 lbs in the last few months. Not only is it physically weighing me down but the mental side has only gotten more intense. The weight gain along with the guilt and shame of binge eating and feeling gross in my body has fostered me indulging in my old patterns of “hiding myself” because I feel like a fraud. For example, I don’t post workout videos anymore because I don’t feel like I “fit the part” and I don’t want to showcase my weight gain. It’s all so damn mentally daunting and exhausting.
My binge eating is rooted in trauma from my childhood. From being sexually molested at a young age, emotionally and physically abandoned by my father, to feeling my mother could not emotionally support me. to being bullied and harassed for my obesity as a child; I just wanted to feel good, to feel loved, to feel fulfilled and I thought food was the one thing throughout these years that has given me access to that feeling.
However, that shit ain’t real. I’ve learned so much through my healing journey that allows me to see the nuance rather than fixate that I should be able to “discipline” and “self control” my way out of this. That’s not how trauma-rooted issues resolve themselves. You gotta FEEL that shit. That’s the hardest part of it all; feeling the pain and discomfort of your past. Those moments when I wanna compulsively eat, I’m running from feeling whatever is presenting itself. I no longer want to foster these cycles. I’m praying that this post will hold me accountable for no longer running.
As I lay in my bed crying, allowing the microdose I took to bring the feelings to the surface; I pray that I dare to allow the feelings to flow without me attaching or making “story” with them. I pray I continue to have the courage to step into my predestined greatness. I pray my heart, nervous system, mind, and soul know true peace in this lifetime. If you made it this far, I wish and pray for you to experience these as well. And so it is.
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